Thursday, April 19th 2018
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My organization, Birnbaum Partners IV, in association with various others, including, but not limited to Moby, Nix Check Cashin and Rite-Aid, as well as their estranged fathers, wingmen and assigns, are baffled by your repeated stalking via this electronic communication interface (ECI). My Client utilizes this ECI for the current Major League Baseball standings, NOT to be stalked by Philistines.
You comments are libelous and in direct violation of Section 1308.(a)(1) of the California Labor Code. My client's name has obviously been tarnished and this may or may not translate into a monetary reward off which I will take a small portion.. You want a piece of this, punk?!
Therefore, we intend to sue you to the bone. You have engaged in the most heinous form of libel and shall pay with either blood or money. We shall not sit idly by!!!
Temporary assigns have refused to work weekends but shall arrive in our offices of Monday or, maybe, Tuesday. By Wednesday, after much juice is consumed and timecards signed, we will get down to the business of mounting a legal campaign which shall, most certainly, make you hoarse from your screams of legal terror. (Many of our assigns will be what is known only as "out of town" for a period of two (2) to sic (sic) (VI) weeks. But most certainly you will be torn to legal shreds sometime within the next two financial quarters or so).
Make no mistake, we intend to sue you to the bone. UNBELIEVABLE!!
However, my Client, who shall, hereafter, and in perpetuity throughout the universe, be known as "Client," wishes to offer you a chance to settle.: a garbage pizza and two 4 packs of Boddington's, the head of Tootie (from the Facts of Life television serials), three (III) off color t-shirts sporting ironic logos and/ore text as well as Four (sometimes represented by the following symbol: "4") A good line on punctual , low-cost and self-medicating temporary assigns and One (1) Dexy's Midnight Runner 's CD entitled "TOO-RYE-AY" (the 1981 original; a rare item which we expect to be delivered in fair to good condition) .
The choice remains with you, SIR, Submit to out demands or drown in a deep sea of legal imbroglio
Please refrain from comments that may anger or upset Peter Guber, the current and ex girlfriends of said Client and their assigns and/or appointees.. Abe Vigoda's award shall be final and judgement may be entered in any court having jurisdiction thereof.
Yours in Christ,
PLEASE NOTE: ANY PERSON ATTEMPTING TO EMULATE THE WALK OF MY CLIENT SHALL PAY THE STANDARD PENALTIES AS WELL AS LEGAL FEE'S AND THE EXPENSES OF SAID ATTORNEY AS DESIGNATED IN THE PARAGRAPH BELOW. A 1.5% LATE FEE PER MONTH (18% ANNUM) SHALL BE ADDED TO ALL OVERDO ACCOUNTS. UNACCEPTABLE!
FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.