Tuesday, December 18th 2018
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My organization, Zac's Sue N Chew Limited Liability Corporation (ZSNC.LLC), in association with various others, including, but not limited to GlaxoSmithKlein, Chaka Khan and Pfizzer, as well as their subordinates, drinking buddies and domesticated animals, are baffled by your repeated stalking via this electronic communication interface (ECI). My Client utilizes this ECI for the current Major League Baseball standings, NOT to be stalked by Philistines.
Your blatant disregard for my client is in direct violation of Section 23428.17. of the California Business and Professions Code. You have engaged in the most heinous form of libel and shall pay with either blood or money. Your comments are libelous and damaging!
Therefore, we intend to sue. Are you mad? Do you think my organization a tribe of offals who can be manipulated with promises of filmed copulation?. Our intermittently well-staffed organization is prepped for battle as is Peter Guber.
We have procured funds for ourtemporary assigns to work overtime. They shall also be provided various fruit juices and low-end vending machine victuals as an incentive to speed your demise.
Make no mistake, we intend to sue. Unacceptable!!
However, we will give you one last chance to avoid this action should you submit the following items to our marbled ofices this instant (or at least by late Wednesday): a 24 pack of individually wrapped skittles, three (III) off color t-shirts sporting ironic logos and/ore text, a bottle of MD 20/20, any flavor as well as (2) Super 8 standard bath towels and One (1) Dexy's Midnight Runner 's CD entitled "TOO-RYE-AY" (the 1981 original; a rare item which we expect to be delivered in fair to good condition) .
The choice remains with you, SIR, Prostrate yourself before us or find yourself among the ranks of those unfortunate dolts in the ZLS, LLC naughty files
It behooves you to remit these items immediately as our staff, which includes Yanni, is, at this very moment, being gathered to compile a most heinous suit. We hope that physical violence, administered coldly by Moby, will not be necessary.
ADDENDUMATIA: IN THE UNLIKELY EVENT THAT TANG CANNOUT BE PROCURED, PLEASE BE ADVISED THAT MR COLEMAN IS ALSO FOND OF STRAWBERRY QUIK. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN ET AL. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY.